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Sometime during the summer of 2001 I decided to keep a list of everything that made me happy to remind me of the multitude of joyous sensations there are to be found upon this earth according to me. Considering now the events of September 11th, 2001 & the aftermath that has caused & continues to cause the blood, gloom & lack of mercy dominating our human condition perhaps it is time that we all kept a list of the things in life that make us happy & that we are thankful for. So in the spirit of chasing some of the dark clouds away I present to you my very own personal reminder of why life doesn't always suck which is my list of everything that makes me happy... |
| 1 |
Kissing & good kissers, kissing is everything |
| 2 |
Being onstage feeling the waves of laughter wash over me & it's purifying qualities |
| 3 |
Writing funny new material |
| 4 |
Gentle forehead kisses |
| 5 |
Nipples like pencil erasers |
| 6 |
Bill Murray |
| 7 |
Orange juice |
| 8 |
Palm trees dancing in gentle breezes |
| 9 |
Ice cream trucks |
| 10 |
Being on television |
| 11 |
Touching people's lives for the better anyway you freely can |
| 12 |
Hot steamy showers on ice cold days |
| 13 |
Bacon & egg sandwiches, anywhere, anytime |
| 14 |
Skinny dipping |
| 15 |
Inside jokes among comedians |
| 16 |
Most dogs |
| 17 |
When my woman pops the zits on my back |
| 18 |
Blueberry frosted pop-tarts hot from the toaster |
| 19 |
Really good pens with easy flowing ink |
| 20 |
My endless art projects & endless ideas of creation |
| 21 |
Travelling to far away places & getting to know them |
| 22 |
Having friends in cities wherever I go |
| 23 |
Brand new fluffy cotton socks |
| 24 |
Spending New Year's Eve with my Dad |
| 25 |
That Muhammed Ali is a capricorn |
| 26 |
Being 35 & still splashing through puddles on rainy days |
| 27 |
Doing laundry & the fresh warm goodness at the end of completing the task |
| 28 |
The relationship between the Pyramids & the Stars |
| 29 |
Letting the crazy guy on the street know you are just as crazy as him only with your eyes |
| 30 |
Feeding birds in the park bread & appreciating how amazingly quick more of them gather |
| 31 |
Tree lined boulevards |
| 32 |
The playful laughter of care free children |
| 33 |
Freeloading off of my sister |
| 34 |
Irritating my brother & being the leftist commie of the family |
| 35 |
Skinny brown women with no tits |
| 36 |
The gravitational pull of temptation |
| 37 |
Streamlining down an uphill sidewalk with a big city stride |
| 38 |
Admiring the shapely ass of a stranger while riding public transportation |
| 39 |
Black coffe & the internet |
| 40 |
Seeing Catholic girls who have gone bad |
| 41 |
Strange sound effects made by funny children that you can't keep from laughing because of |
| 42 |
Steve McQueen |
| 43 |
Happening upon "Pappion" my favorite Steve McQueen movie just as it was beginning on a Saturday afternoon when I didn't have a single thing planned for the day |
| 44 |
Motorcycles with sidecars |
| 45 |
That people are still paying money to see Tom Rhodes |
| 46 |
Leaving a relationship confident that I'll be loved again |
| 47 |
The book of Psalms |
| 48 |
Badminton |
| 49 |
Sitting on my Mom's back porch waiting for the rain to come dance on the roof as I sit with my electric typewriter plugged in ready to capture it all |
| 50 |
Going barefoot for as long as I possibly can in summer |
| 51 |
Refreshing plunges in the pool on hot Florida days |
| 52 |
Cut off shorts & the smell of chlorine on a woman |
| 53 |
Ice cold milk with fresh baked cookies |
| 54 |
Getting my hair cut by a pregnant woman |
| 55 |
Banana moon pies |
| 56 |
Bubbalou's bodacious Bar-B-Q of Orlando, Florida |
| 57 |
Hanging out with my best friend Lou |
| 58 |
People who give without taking |
| 59 |
People who love their careers & no desire to be famous whatsoever |
| 60 |
People who have been burnt but who are not bitter & still see the joy in life |
| 61 |
How happy a simple balloon can make a little child |
| 62 |
Finally getting over your high school flame(s) |
| 63 |
Halibut fish tacos |
| 64 |
Isaac Babel |
| 65 |
Balsa wood aeroplanes |
| 66 |
Pirate flags |
| 67 |
Black panther fist salutes |
| 68 |
Hindu wedding parties |
| 69 |
Gay European techno music |
| 70 |
Henry Miller |
| 71 |
Oviedo, Florida |
| 72 |
Wilmington, North Carolina |
| 73 |
Washington D.C. |
| 74 |
82 channels of mindless American television |
| 75 |
Everything Mexican, Mexican people, Mexican heritage, Mexican food, Mexican music & the country of Mexico itself the next great world power |
| 76 |
My undying faith in the underdog & believing in the furthest reachable dreams |
| 77 |
The grief & agony in the melodic moans of the late great Hank Williams |
| 78 |
How hard I can rock the Sacramento mini-mall comedy club |
| 79 |
Rumors & legends I've heard about myself told to me by others that aren't even close to being true & the ones that are |
| 80 |
When someone comes into my life & we experience private moments of truthful communication that impacts me profoundly & I don't realize how special that moment & or the person was until long after the fact |
| 81 |
My Dad's love & pride for me & how he lifts me up when I am down |
| 82 |
My first pair of cufflinks (A gift from my Dad) |
| 83 |
Knowing that I am living my dream |
| 84 |
Being freshly shaved |
| 85 |
Anthropology |
| 86 |
That on my 35th birthday I didn't want anything because I felt like I already had everything I ever wanted |
| 87 |
The fact that I've bought 3 copies of Ryan Adams' Gold because the 1st 2 got scratched on my favorite song |
| 88 |
Seeing people dance at the Virgin megastore while they shop |
| 89 |
The beauty & grace that all women posess that is their power over men |
| 90 |
The money & effort humans spend in pursuit of washboard abs |
| 91 |
Getting the biggest tub of popcorn at the movies |
| 92 |
Driving with the windows down to a special mix tape I've made |
| 93 |
Listening to Tom Petty & being proud because he is the patron saint of all Florida white trash |
| 94 |
Revolving doors |
| 95 |
Ping Pong |
| 96 |
Birthday cake |
| 97 |
My Bob Dylan fan club sheriff's badge that my friend Jim Short gave to me |
| 98 |
My limited edition Stereophonics Zippo lighter |
| 99 |
Hotel mini-bars when I can afford them & the same goes for room service |
| 100 |
Asian food, especially Sushi |
| 101 |
Yo-Yos |
| 102 |
Laughing with strangers |
| 103 |
When existing relationships go even deeper |
| 104 |
The sound of birds singing in the trees |
| 105 |
Ice cold beverages, especially beer & coca-cola |
| 106 |
B.E.T. (Black Entertainment television) |
| 107 |
Seeing live concerts in San Francisco |
| 108 |
When a live night club band or DJ can bring out the animalistic self expressive hip pumps of being free |
| 109 |
Dancing until I am covered in sweat in a mass of people |
| 110 |
Watching the Leonid meteor shower from Blue Canyon, California |
| 111 |
The joyous spirit & happy songs to be found at Abundant Life Ministries church in Oakland, California & how easily that fuel can fill your tank to carry you down the road |
| 112 |
Going down Fulton street in San Francisco on a shopping cart & riding it the length between Scott & Steiner streets along Alamo square park late at night |
| 113 |
A slice of pepperoni from Golden Boy pizza in North Beach, San Francisco as you read subversive literature & wash it down with a coke |
| 114 |
Being beside the water & thoughtlessly watching boats cruise along atop the ripples |
| 115 |
Seeing a beautiful woman in the airport who ends up sitting next to you on the plane (Even if you barely speak). |
| 116 |
The thrill I still get from take off & the experience of breaking through the clouds on a wet, grey, overcast day & discovering the pure sunshine above & the blanket of clouds beneath your ascending plane that was the roof hanging over the bad day you have left behind |
| 117 |
Duty free shopping |
| 118 |
The Roxy theatre in the mission district of San Francisco |
| 119 |
Good time oldies stations of American radio |
| 120 |
The Empress of China restuarant in Chinatown, San Francisco 838 Grant Ave. |
| 121 |
The well dressed business woman in a business suit with a skirt on Sutter street who consciously made the decision after looking at me that she would flash me a free cookie shot as she stepped out of her Jaguar without panties on as I strode past & the smile she gave me after I realized what had just happened when I looked back at her as she paused on the sidewalk then quickly heading into a theatre where a show was about to begin without me ever loosing step or slowing down towards my destination |
| 122 |
The smell of Chinese rose soap on freshly washed skin |
| 123 |
The abundance of American supermarkets & the over the top experimental ones in Los Angeles where you can watch TV as you stand in line & get up to the minute baseball scores as well as seasonal vegetable tips of what is in season, it's price & helpful ways suggesting how you could serve them |
| 124 |
Seeing war flicks with my Dad & watching shit blow up on the big screen |
| 125 |
Broccoli, Black eyed peas, collard greens & asparagus |
| 126 |
Deviled eggs |
| 127 |
Iranian caviar |
| 128 |
The Lavendar mist spray I bought in Big Sur, California |
| 129 |
Paying it forward to Jah people |
| 130 |
Feeling someone's heart beat against your chest when you hug them |
| 131 |
The vulnerability of Elizabeth Taylor |
| 132 |
Being as tanned as Paul Newman was in the movie "Hombre" |
| 133 |
The 5 mile stretch of road between Sunset & Ventura Boulevards on Laurel Canyon in Los Angeles |
| 134 |
Unexpectedly hearing a song that I love but had forgotten about on the radio |
| 135 |
Polishing off 5 Pacifico's by myself in the wee hours of night |
| 136 |
Knowing that there is no wrong way to do anything |
| 137 |
Anti-white people/anti-power structure literature & other forms of expression about the same |
| 138 |
Unexpectedly witnessing compassion & personal acts of kindness |
| 139 |
How one life can touch so many others |
| 140 |
Knowing people who are going after their dreams no matter how ridiculous they may seem |
| 141 |
Inspired street performers |
| 142 |
Snorkeling along the Napoli coast, Kauai, Hawaii |
| 143 |
Being among the creations of Salvador Dali |
| 144 |
How my friends from Kenya who live in Houston honored me in the traditional Kenyan way by inviting me in their home for their special & tantalizingly delicious goat stew & invited all of their friends over to meet me & how we all took these good feelings to my show that night & hung out afterwards drinking, talking & sharing everything that makes us laugh or put more simply, my friend Jabone & his wife Lisa from Kenya make me happy & feel truly appreciated |
| 145 |
Playing Uno & Scrabble until all hours of the night with my dear brother Rich Hall in London & laughing wildly because he & his woman were cheating at these innocent games |
| 146 |
London after a light rain walking home over the slick & sexy cobblestones after I ripped the balls off of the Comedy Store thinking about how the audience cheered & called me back out onstage giving me my first ever no bullshit encore & how I blushed when I reimerged onstage & even better was the feeling later walking home by myself feeling the rare moment of actually being happy with myself. |
| 147 |
The view from the window of my favorite Chinese joint in London, 1979 |
| 148 |
The loud laughter of drunken English people |
| 149 |
Looking out on Hong Kong harbor & or taking the star ferry across it |
| 150 |
Having the money to have some tailor made clothes done for myself while in Hong Kong & how wearing them makes me bring out the pimp shit |
| 151 |
Seeing Fat Boy Slim while in China & the odd fright I got among the cool youth of that nation as everyone tried to have a good time & forget the communist soldiers around the perimeters with machine guns in their hands |
| 152 |
Beijing, China & the good humor I found there among the people even from the poorest people among them |
| 153 |
The cheap ass Chairman Moa watch I bought in Beijing & how you have to thump him on the head to get it to work |
| 154 |
The amount of ass I kicked onstage in Hong Kong on the last night of my China tour |
| 155 |
The private villa I had to myself in Bali, Indonesia with my own private pool craddle within my own temple garden with a stereo system & a sky full of kites playing above in the gentle tropical breezes |
| 156 |
Still believing in my dreams & realizing when one from long ago comes true |
| 157 |
Living in Amsterdam |
| 158 |
Taking the Thalys train from Amsterdam to Paris & enjoying a cup of tea on the journey like a gentleman |
| 159 |
All of the sensations that come alive in me when I visit Paris & the tingles & titilations I get no matter how long or brief my stay there is |
| 160 |
Performing at The Hotel du Nord in Paris & time spent with one of the coolest humans I have ever known, my friend & empressario Karel Beer |
| 161 |
Being drunk & holding on tight on the back of Karel's scooter as we motor through the Bastille area of Paris late at night |
| 162 |
Being presented cheese from Corsica, The Pyrannes & Normandy all on one plate by the mother of my first big love story ex-girlfriend & how much love her Mom still pours on me when I stay with her & still treats me like the prodigal son after all these years |
| 163 |
How I never seem to experience the shitty stereotyped situations you here about from people who visited Paris & didn't like the place & how my friends there always help me discover something new each time I am there |
| 164 |
The Decadence of the Romans (& The painting of this name that hangs in the D'Orsey museum in Paris |
| 165 |
Walking west down Boulevard Voltaire with my best Pashmina scarf around my neck (made from the hair of goats chins) with the click, click, click of my closed umbrella hitting the sidewalk fulfilling my boyhood dreams of being an international big shot man of style rightfully sauntering like the peacock I once imagined I wanted to be |
| 166 |
Walking with an open umbrella, whether it is to block out the strong sun or to trot about a city underneath in the rain |
| 167 |
How on the train back to Amsterdam from Paris the announcements go from French to Dutch after it has reached Antwerp & the same snack car guy who was gentle & helpful with my feeble French is just as helpful with my feeble Dutch |
| 168 |
That I am trying to learn Dutch & how long & incredibly difficult some of their words are to pronounce |
| 169 |
Renting those little tourist boats you operate yourself & motoring aroung the canals of Amsterdam with the right person in the majestic golden sunlight of summer that is to be found there |
| 170 |
Whenever I see a windmill I am happy |
| 171 |
Bitterballen |
| 172 |
Old Dutch cheese on sunflower bread with a cold Heineken |
| 173 |
Lounging in the grass of Vondel park in Amsterdam drinking wine with friends on a sunny day |
| 174 |
Standing upright & peeing in the canals of Amsterdam like a true Dutchman the way it was taught to me by my Dutch friends |
| 175 |
Riding a bicycle home through the stillness of night & being calmed by the silence of such a great city as most of her citizens are asleep |
| 176 |
My friend Saunder's bad ass punk band The Skidmarks & how they play for the fun & love of it & appear to have no trace of greedy intentions or a desire to conquer the world when they are busting out all kinds of woopass crunch from the stage |
| 177 |
My friend Marcel Scheffer & his wonderfully innocent daughters with his loving wife that make up their loving home & how he has never failed to produce a new poem or song to share with me anytime I have ever seen him & how he is always concerned with me expressing my most tender self & by his example inspires me to |
| 178 |
My friend Gerke Nauta who knows where to find comedy gold & has the sweetest true ringing laugh when you have genuinely rung his bell of sensibilities, at 6'5" he is the most gentle, fun loving leader without a trace of arrogance & somehow he has effortlessly hypnotised me into believing he is not my boss but my best friend & aside from his example of how to be a gentle thoughtful man I am at my happiest when we are creating comedy together |
| 179 |
That I once loved a bright young beautiful girl from a little town in the North of Holland & that it became a magnificent adventure & one of the greatest & truest love stories of my life & I am continually amazed at the fruit that is produced from all that we once were & had together. She taught me to have fun again & to see my own greatness & how to set free all the goodness I have inside & forget about everything other than enjoying the now & the sweet true laughs that only living in the present can bring which can only be taught by wonderfully unique & special souls from small nowhere towns who believe in the simple truest things that give life meaning |
| 180 |
Being given my own late night talk show on Dutch television |
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The previous 180 happy thoughts were posted June 2002 and I must say I never knew it would cause such a wide reaching reaction. Sweet messages from people who were inspired to start their own Happiness list, relatives and friends upset because they didn't make the list, interviewers wanting to know why certain things were in certain order. This is just my goofy ass list of things that make me happy, I've spent so much of my life chasing after it I think I'm entitled to let it out as it flows. This year I heard my childhood friend Nate Stout killed himself & just a few days ago my dearest darling friend Charlie Shannon dropped dead. More and more people are dropping dead, from self- inflicted metal blasts and otherwise. Take care of yourselves kids, try to remember all the reasons you have to be happy and spill a little champagne along the way, for your dead hommies. It is now January 2004 and the list continues...
|
| 181 |
Yorin Travel. Two of my favorite things in life is being on television & traveling and me getting to be a presenter on this show for the Yorin network of the Netherlands is the greatest job anyone could ever ask for. God bless the Dutch explorers. |
| 182 |
Being on vacation |
| 183 |
Being beside water |
| 184 |
The smell of Hawaiian Tropic sun tanning oil and how Ron Rice should consider coming out with a fragrance of the same |
| 185 |
The beach, any beach even if it's polluted |
| 186 |
Going barefoot for as long as I can in summe |
| 187 |
The smell of freshly cut grass |
| 188 |
Go carts |
| 189 |
Water slides |
| 190 |
Ice cream trucks |
| 191 |
Drive in movies theatres (When you can find them) |
| 192 |
Devil women from Mars |
| 193 |
5 dollar bottomless Memosas |
| 194 |
The words moist and tasty |
| 195 |
The best date I ever had with Ann Petrak on Cocoa Beach to watch a Nasa night launch with wine and blanket and how magnificently the dark night at 3am was total daylight illuminating down on the good time we were having. |
| 196 |
Key West, Florida which I found the best way to see was with Ann Petrak. Buffalo shrimp, pirate history, ghost tour, Earnest Hemmingway and Ann Petrak with the smell of Hawaiian coconut oil on a beach with palm trees as the rest of the nation freezes in winter. Yes, this is the frozen moment I want to be living over and over. |
| 197 |
What Faye Woodruff taught the Parrot to say at the Key West comedy condo years ago |
| 198 |
The innocence of Columbus, Ohio |
| 199 |
Polaroids. Because Polaroids don't lie |
| 200 |
Turning over pennies on the street so that other people will believe they have found good luck |
| 201 |
Raisin toast with butter |
| 202 |
Getting KFC in a bucket and flinging the chicken bones out of a rented convertable like a hillbilly |
| 203 |
Being surprised KFC in Thailand doesn't sell chicken in the buckets like ours do in America but flinging the chicken bones like a hillbilly anyway |
| 204 |
Jack Kerouac. Especially the recording of him reading the last paragraphs of 'On the road'. "And don't you know that God is Pooh bear? |
| 205 |
The Greek island of Rhodes and going there for no other reason than it bares my name and I always wanted to go there. |
| 206 |
The old man who cleans the fountain of Helliocropils square everyday out of the goodness of his own heart. |
| 207 |
My first dip in the Aegean sea |
| 208 |
My million dollar secret idea to eviserate moustaches of Greek women |
| 209 |
The old fisherman I met and hung out with every night I was on the island of Rhodes and how he would get upset everytime I would call him a fisherman. "I am not a fisherman," he would exclaim "I just come to the sea to relax and God gives me the fish." Meanwhile he would have five fishing lines in the sea at all times while he studied each one like a master. One night after he caught nothing, after he packed up as he was leaving he said "Sometimes the sea says no." I have never liked octopus and this old fisherman gave me octopus better than the best steak I've ever eaten. God bless him, good fucker. |
| 210 |
Swimming naked the length of Rhodes harbor entrance and back drunk at 3am because I thought it would give me super powers being that that was where the Colosus of Rhodes once stood. I don't know if I gained any super powers but at least it wasn't a Jeff Buckley in the Mississippi moment for me. *Being naked is one of the keys to happiness. Spending as much time as you can naked is a great cause of happiness. |
| 211 |
knowing that the island of Rhodes is known for exotic butterflies. |
| 212 |
Knowing that Berlin is the Kansas City of Europe. |
| 213 |
Unconvincing Transvestites |
| 214 |
Tabloid photography |
| 215 |
Third world cops |
| 216 |
The patheticness of Jimmy Corrigan |
| 217 |
Page 333 of James Joyce's 'Ulysses'; "Love loves to love love." |
| 218 |
The imaginary conversations I sometimes have with Oprah Winfrey. |
| 219 |
The perpetual glorification of youth. |
| 220 |
The intentional imperfections of Native American art |
| 221 |
Bell bottom hip hugger pants |
| 222 |
The right to offend |
| 223 |
The art of being spontaneous |
| 224 |
The life and legend of Evil Kneivel |
| 225 |
The red shanked Langur found only in Vietnam and Laos |
| 226 |
Mendocino county line |
| 227 |
Outlaw cowboy singers |
| 228 |
The gift of Jamaiiacan independence |
| 229 |
Curry goat and rice |
| 230 |
The multi-ethnic polyrhythmic surroundings of the Citron club on Connecticut Ave. in Washington D.C. Spanish, Latin and Arabic girls dancing, swinging and grinding with all of their being in reckless abandon. Hooray! Hooray! |
| 231 |
Being anywhere were people are being free |
| 232 |
House music all night long |
| 233 |
The silent mating call of a young republic |
| 234 |
Listerine breathe sheets |
| 235 |
Extreme sport Jesus |
| 236 |
Spiritual seekers welcoming diversity |
| 237 |
Bible thumping urban shakedowns |
| 238 |
Punk rock girls |
| 239 |
Crooked smiles |
| 240 |
My collection of books |
| 241 |
My collection of airline vomit bags |
| 242 |
Not fucking strippers |
| 243 |
The Golden Gate bridge and the path that highway 101 cuts through the dry brown hills of Northern California. |
| 244 |
The dreamy Asian girls of Clement street in San Francisco and the solitude I find at Green Apple books imagining the possiblities as I explore the titles of books. |
| 245 |
Molly's butterflies |
| 246 |
Mountains. Mountains make you humble, just like getting a flat tire. |
| 247 |
Fix a flat |
| 248 |
Flying business class on Lufthansa airlines from San Francisco to Frankfurt, Germany and reading in the in flight magazine the story of an Asian man who has given up all his posessions in search of knowledge and the meaning of life. |
| 249 |
Herman Hesse's 'Siddhartha' |
| 250 |
Virgin airlines and Virgin record stores |
| 251 |
Richard Branson's spirit of fun |
| 252 |
Tower records on Sunset Boulevard |
| 253 |
Driving as fast as I can on the elevated highways of Los Angeles late at night passing all the monkies because my car was built to cruise |
| 254 |
The rock star apartment I had for 2 years on top of the Hollywood hills |
| 255 |
The rock star apartment I had for 1 year in the center of Amsterdam |
| 256 |
The fact that I could not pronounce the name of the street I lived on in Amsterdam. Lange Leidse Dwarsstraat. |
| 257 |
Getting 3 kisses when you greet a Dutch woman |
| 258 |
My old Dutch Gazelle girl's bike |
| 259 |
Riding my bike through the tunnel of the Rijks museum in Amsterdam |
| 260 |
The salsa festival I happened upon in Vondel park in Amsterdam this past summer. |
| 261 |
The mushroom revolation I had about family, children and bubbles this past summer. |
| 262 |
Savory Dutch pancakes |
| 263 |
The word savory |
| 264 |
The mystic vibrations of Java |
| 265 |
The vast gloriousness of Australia |
| 266 |
The 'Brown Bag' stationary store on Fillmore and Pine in San Francisco |
| 267 |
Listening to Billy Crystal talk about Mickey Mantle |
| 268 |
Mickey Mantle |
| 269 |
Ted Williams |
| 270 |
Willie Mays |
| 271 |
The homeruns I have seen Barry Bonds smack in the water at Pac Bell park |
| 272 |
The batting stance of Julio Franco of the Atlanta Braves |
| 273 |
Tiger Woods' eyes |
| 274 |
The fact that Kim Oliva has seen me perform on 3 different continents and that she is one of my oldest and dearest friends |
| 275 |
That wet paper money is still openly accepted in Florida |
| 276 |
Jackie Gleason proclaiming "How sweet it is!" |
|
|
2005 was a hard year for comedy. We lost 2 American comedy giants with the deaths of Richard Pryor and Johnny Carson, 2 of my all time favorite heroes. Also I lost 3 very good friends who were also genius comedians, Mitch Hedberg, Freddy Soto and Warren Thomas. I loved all those boys, it's so strange that they are gone and I can only take comfort in the thought that legends never die, their memory lives on forever.God bless each of these heavenly saints for all they contributed to in helping the people of the earth forget their troubles. Remember children, all that we have is the art that we leave behind. It's now June 2006 and summer is finally here after a long long lonely winter, the sun blazing bright and late in the day as the world cup grips me and the rest of the world bringing everyone of every kind of human species together. I am in love with my life and I am in love with the world. On with the happy list...
277. Tangerines
278. Eye patches
279. Pogo sticks
280. Midgets in matador outfits
281. Fortune cookies
282. Nail gun survivors
283. Misusing my Vic's inhaler
284. Surfing documentaries
285. Swirling my air lasso
286. Bob Ross
287. Bob Ross' afro
288. Stroopwaffles
289. Jelly belly jelly beans
290. The Jelly belly flavor of the month club
291. Baby wildebeasts
292. Sky scraper national park
293. Willing myself invisible when the cops are around
294. Refrigerator magnets that are also bottle openers
295. Celebrity refrigerators
296. My man crush on Bob Dylan
297. Songs about supreme male confidence
298. Old Citreon's with canvas tops
299. The New York times' letters to the editor
300. Debauched 17th century poets
301. Museum gift shops
302. Greta Garbo
303. Moleskin notebooks
304. Light sweet crude
305. The color burnet sienna
306. Pandas
307. Capricious witticisms
308. Wet cement messages
309. Seneca
310. Apostle's of common sense
311. Wondering if Adam and Eve had belly buttons
312. Oprah's nipple
313. Reflecting the golden light
314. Celestial fireworks
315. The Buddhist concept of letting all living things be and respecting what they are
316. Pitching a wang dang doodle all night long
317. The Edmonton Eskimos
318. Knowing that Tigger could never loose his bounce
319. Knowing that human beings are instruments built for joy
320. Knowing that Jay is a bitch ass whore
321. The phrase "Heaven's to Betsy!"
322. Celebrity Uno
323. Curvaliciousness
324. Pagan love songs
325. Boat names
326. Horse names
327. Horse names
328. Native American names
War Eagle, Lean Wolf, Rushing Bear, Young Whirlwind, Crazy Horse, etc.
329. The God point of Native American art
(God enters in the mistake).
330. The Everywhere spirit
331. The disease to please
332. The art of desire
333. The lovers of truth
334. Tripping the light fantastic
335. Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
336. Lindeman's Merlot of Australia (Euphoria in every bottle).
337. Elegant, assertive wines with glorious full fruit flavors
338. My imaginary conversations with Perry Ferrel
339. Spending my money on clothes instead of drugs
340. Being 39 and still splashing through puddles on rainy days
341. Refering to Amsterdam as the Tijuana of Europe
342. Eatting Cinammon ice cream at the Cobra cafe on museumplein in Amsterdam on Easter Sunday
343. Mama's Shawarma * 56 Korteleidsedwarstraat, Amsterdam
344. The Albert Hein grocery store that is underneath the Van Gogh museum
345. Walking down Johannes Vermeerstraat with a book of Dante Gabriel Rossetti in a Vincent van Gogh bag
346. Anniek Pheifer shitting her pants in Big Sur, California as I bought lavendar mist spray
347. Ton, the mad Polish dreamer who plays a one string banjo in the tunnel underneath the Rijks museum. By most text book definitions he is a crazy homeless person but sometimes I like to buy him beer and talk to him. He told me that he is trying to acheive purity. He also told me his idea for world peace, according to Ton the reason there is war is because people do not have enough gold fish in their lives. "The reason Mr. Bush started this war is because he has no gold fish. If everyone had a gold fish there would be no war in this world."
It is Ton's vision he told me one night, to drain the canals of Amsterdam and refill them with fresh water and gold fish. Ton kept refering to it as 'The gold fish project' and he even made me 'The general of the gold fish project' because he believed I could help him get his message out to many people.
348. The gold fish project
349. Being the general of the gold fish project
350. Utrechtstraat in Amsterdam. By day it is like a river flowing with life, but at night she is quite and calm like a delicate stream
351. The hotel Armada
352. Gary Christmas
353. Reading David Sedaris on airplanes and laughing out loud uncontrollably and getting strange looks from the other passengers
354. Henry Miller's epiphanies on human futility and his observations on Greece in the 'Collosus of Maroosi
355. Garage sales of ancient Greece
356. The stormers of winter palaces
357. Pimps. The pimp game. The art of pimpin' and the word pimpoliciousness
358. Pimp steak
359. The ancient secrets of the Aztecs
360. The volcanic peaks of the Mexican highlands
361. Uraguyan resistence
362. Yanik Noah
363. Yvonne Goolagon
364. The quick flick of a zippo lighter
365. Thai women's asses
366. The triumph of oversimplification
367. Why I love Pinot Grigio
368. Horton hears a who
369. The Chi flow
370. Dreaming out loud
371. Barbie sparkling bubble fruit toothpaste by colgate
372. Banana flavored rolling paper (because I like my weed to give me the illusion that I am getting potasium.)
373. Potasium (even in illusion form.)
374. Harry Belefante calling Colin Powel a house n-----.
375. Knowing that white people should never use the n word not even when reciting rap lyrics
376. Discovering a new writer and wanting to devour all of his books
377. 'A heart breaking work of staggering genius' by Dave Eggers
378. 'Shantaram' by Gregory David Roberts
379. Page 313 of 'Desolation Angels' and Jack Kerouac's use of the word 'poontang'
380. Page 340 of 'Desolation Angels' and Jack Kerouac saying "Why travel if not like a child?"
381. The joyful explosion of endorphines as you walk into an empty post office with no line or waiting
382. That Paul Trefonis is the same sweet wonderful person he was when we were boys.
383. Beertje van Beers checking the compatabilty of our zodiac signs
384. The Rose I gave Beertje van Beers and the weeds in her garden that it revealed
385. Sam Coleman telling me that Beertje van Beers was a bad kisser
386. Sam Coleman, Mr. Bubbles, Mr. Fun. Sam Coleman is one of the best friends I made while living in Amsterdam. He is from San Diego and is a journalist living in Amsterdam, we met when he interviewed me for Ex-Patriots magazine. He rented a limosine and we went to TikkiBaad, an indoor waterslide park in Den Hague. for a while Sam went through a phase of dressing up and acting like Andy Warhol in the nightclubs we would go out to. Full on acting like Andy Warhol taking photos with a polaroid and giving the pictures out to all of the beautiful people. Sam is far braver than I will ever be like that, he really brings comedy to people of the street. For the longest time Sam had a toy gun that shot out and endless amount of bubbles. The children in the summertime streets of Amsterdam would go crazy with delight at the amount of bubbles Sam would put into the air specifically for their joy. Sam is married to a Swedish hottie named Stella who is an international DJ star and soon they will be relocating to Kuala Lumpor.
387. The sound of champagne opening because it is synonimous with the sound of celebration
388. The fable that when Dom Perignon discovered champagne he exclaimed:
"I am drinking the stars!"
389. Vueve Cliquot. My favorite champagne because it is what the girls on 'Absolutely Fabulous' drank and because of what the widow Cliquot did for the advancement of champagne production.
340. The year I spent working for Yorin Travel, a travel TV program on Dutch television. It is everyone's dream to do a travel TV show and I am grateful that I got to go to so many fabulous places
341. The Champagne region of France
342. St. Petersburg, Russia
343. The Hermitage museum in St. Petersburg
344. The Rembrandt room of the Hermitage museum
345. Russian women's asses
346. Curacoa
347. Aruba
348. Papiamento
349. Liverpool, England
350. The Magical mystery bus tour in Liverpool
351. The guidebook to Peru
352. Understanding that what Pamela Anderson is to Playboy magazine Peru is to National Geographic magazine
353. Isla Ballista and the 200 year war Peru had with Chile over guano (Bird shit)
354. Renting a plane and flying over and seeing the Nasca lines
(Something I dreamed of doing ever since I was a boy)
355. Riding a motorcycle in the Peruvian desert
356. The indigenous family I stayed with on Armenenti island on Lake Titicaca and the ceremony for Pacha Mama (Mother Earth) that I witnessed
357. Pacha Mama (Mother Earth)
358. Lake Titicaca
359. That the entire Inca society was based on recipricocity
360. Wild herds of Llama
361. Llama highway crossing signs
362. Soaring condors
363. Terrace farming
364. Taking Peru rail from Puno to Cuzco in Inca class. Inca class is the last car on the train with open railing and a bar with cozy leather arm chairs. It is the first class car and it only costs 22 dollars, it is one of the best things I ever did in my life and will try to do it again before I die. I stood outside for most of the journey sipping Pisco sours and watching the beauty of the Andes mountains roll by.
365. Pisco sours
366. Cuzco, Peru (The once capitol of the entire Inca civilization)
367. Machu Pichu (Also somewhere I dreamed of going my whole life and it was worth every drop of evergy and every dime it cost to go there. Climbing up the Andes of the Inca highway for 2 days was worth it to be at the sun gate once the sun was coming up and the morning clouds disapated unveiling Machu Pichu as if curtains were opening on a theatre show or a masterpiece of artwork)
368. That people still wave in Peru
369. The Incas vs. The Spaniards chess set I bought in Peru. I suck at chess, now when I play I can always be the Incas and when I get slaughtered it will be historically accurate
370. Wido Dykstra
371. Kurt Vonnegut Jr.'s 'Gallapagos'
372. Wild Wadi in Dubai
373. Barcelona's Guell Park
374. Layla, my Palestinian friend in Barcelona who refers to Israel as Palisreal
375. The 10 Russian violinists who I heard playing for coins in the Barcelona subway
376. The word joyousness
377. Queen's day in Amsterdam
378. Silver Shiva
379. Prince willem Alexander and his wife Maxima
380. Suitclub of the Netherlands
381. sony of the Netherlands
382. Rennes-le-chateau, France
383. Performing at the Hotel du Nord in Paris
384. Karel Beer
385. Riding on the back of Karel's scooter in Paris
386. That in France the unemployed get free admission to all museums
387. Knowing that the French invented lingerie and the bikini
388. Sylvie Nicolas
389. Guy de Maupasant
390. Arthur Rimbaud
391. Putting flowers on Arthur Rimbaud's grave
392. The triumphant beauty of Arabic women
393. Meeting Jamila Azzouz in Alkmaar
394. Watching Jamila clean the milkshake machine at McDonald's
395. The love story I had with Jamila and the epic 10 day trip we took around Europe before I moved back to America
396. Charlieville, France Day 1
397. Epirnay, France Day 2
398. Arles, France Day 3
399. Figueres, Spain Day 4
400. Bilboa, Spain Day 5
401. Biarritz, France Day 6
402. Paris, France Day 7
403. Paris, France Day 8
404. Lille, France Day 9
405. Antwerp, Belgium Day 10
406. At the hotel Van Gogh in Arles drinking a peach iced tea on La Terrasse de Vincent and Jamila telling me that this trip "was like a great book that you didn't want to end."
407. Van Gogh's orchard paintings of Arles
408. Wendy Van Dyke
409. The Paradiso (The Paradiso is my favorite nightclub in Amsterdam, it was originally a church built in the 13th century but now it is a nightclub and concert hall and I have had some of the best times of my life there.)
410. Seeing Jane's Addiction at the Paradiso
411. Seeing the White Stripes at the Paradiso
412. Seeing Interpol at the Paradiso
413. Seeing India Arie at the Paradiso
414. Seeing Alejandro Escavedo at the Paradiso
415. Jimi Hendrix live in Berkeley
416. Pavement live in Paris 1994
417. The Smashing Pumpkins
418. The Sex Pistols
419. The Clash
420. Smoking weed at 4:20pm
421. The Replacements
422. The New York Dolls
423. Johnny Thunders
424. The Velvet Underground
425. Lou Reed
426. Roxy Music
427. The Stooges
428. Iggy Pop
429. REM
430. Bob Marley
431. Van Morrison
432. Tom Waits
433. Mose Allison
434. Patty Smith
435. Rickie Lee Jones
436. PJ Harvey
437. Cat Power
438. The Pixies
439. That Joey Santiago is my favorite Filipino
440. My Morning jacket
441. Arcade fire
442. Goldfrapp
443. Meg White
444. Knowing tha Mick Jagger should have been awarded the Nobel Peace prize for the speech he gave at Altamonte. "People, people it's within your power, Hell's Angels everyone. This could be the most beautiful evening of our winter. If we are all one let's know we are all one."
445. Charlie Watts' drumming on 'Loving cup'
446. Marvin Gaye's 'Sexual healing' (That song is sex on a stick)
447. Curtis Mayfield
448. Bill Withers
449. Stevie Wonder
450. Otis Redding
451. Sly and the Family stone (Especially 'Hot fun in the summertime)
452. Larry Sanders
453. Alan Partridge (Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge)
454. The Trailer park boys
455. Ricky Gervais
456. Fred Willard
457. Eugene Levy
458. Sarah Silverman
459. Benny Hill
460. Dave Allen
461. Monty Python
462. The Avengers
463. Ron Glass
464. Max Baer Jr.
465. Buddy Epson
466. Mr. French from 'Family Affair'
467. Bikram Yoga
468. Paramhansa Yogananda
469. Bikram Choudhury
470. Val Kilmer as Doc Holiday in the film 'Tombstone'.
"I have not yet begun to defile myself"
or
"My hypocrisy only goes so far"
471. Kurt Russell in 'Tombstone'
472. Goldie Hawn
473. Kate Hudson
474. Chris Robinson
475. Rich Robinson
476. The Black Crowes
477. Scott Weiland
478. Stone Temple Pilots
479. Velvet Revolver
480. Buddy Revel in the film '3 o'clock high'
481. Andy Griffith in the film 'A face in the crowd'
482. Ray Winston in the film 'Sexy beast'
Especially after Ben Kingsley's Dirty Dee Dee speech Ray says:
"I love her with all my heart"
483. The book "Hagakure - The way of the samurai" by Yamamoto Tsunetono
"No one will listen to an old man who does not have vitality"
484. My Dad's Las Vegas Filipno wedding
485. My Dad's retirement village trailer park
486. Chelsea Peretti's eyes
487. Hilde Brontsema's cleavage
488. Hilde Brontsema's wickedly wonderful sense of humor
489. Hilde Brontsema's intelligence
490. Hilde Brontsema's perfectly aerodynamic nose
491. Waterskiing on Lindos bay beneath the acropolis on the island of Rhodes
492. The Comedy Store in London
I have had sex with a lot of women and I have done a lot of drugs and there is no better feeling than to be standing onstage at the Comedy Store in London with a packed house and be ripping the ass of the place
493. Walker's Sensations potato chips of Great Britain
Especially these flavors:
Oven roasted chicken with thyme
Slow roasted lamb and mint
Sea salt and crushed black pepper
Spicy Thai prawn
494. Being on Never mind the buzzcocks
495. Jonguelers christmas money
496. The strangely warm night I spent with Tigger in Fitzroy Square
497. All the time I spent staying with Rich Hall on Fitzroy Square and how it was
always easy to find my way home in London because of the BT tower
498. Lotus Thai 80 Cleveland st.
My favorite Thai restuarant in London
Get the gold bags and the spicy seafood combination
499.After performing in Leeds, UK and the joy in my heart that I felt as I was leaving
that shithole. Apparently The Who album 'Live at Leeds' was an inside joke that
took me 30 years to get
500. Japanese commercials
I wish there was a 24 hour channel only of Japanese commercials
501. Being in Tokyo with Dane Babbitt
502. Taking the Tokyo subway across town to get a Tokyo Giants hat
503. Seeing tired business men sleeping all over Tokyo
504. Walking around Tokyo eatting Kentuck Fried chicken and flicking the bones
like a hillbilly
505. Seeing a teenager in Tokyo with a shirt that said 'White power'
Now either he doesn't know what those English words say or else he belongs
to a very liberal hate group. "We'd like you all to meet our newest member
Yamamoto" Yamamoto raises his fist and says: "White power!"
506. Knowing that the Denny's menu in Japan will frighten the shit out of you
507. Seeing the Japanese Beatles 'The Parrots' play at a club in Tokyo called
'Abbey road' brilliant good fun, you'd swear you were listening to 'The Beatles'
The Japanese John Lennon has a white girlfriend by the way
508. Meeting Bart of Sony Netherlands at the Geronimo bar in the Rapugee district
of Tokyo
509. Viva Vietnam!
510. Vietnamese food
511. Vietnamese water puppets
512. Staying at the Metropole hotel in Hanoi
513. Thailand
514. Thai food
515. Being on top of the Banyan tree hotel in Bangkok at sunset
516. Knowing that Thailand was never conquered by any outside nation
I believe that this is because of Thai boxing, outsiders came and saw them
kneeing each other in the stomach and kicking each other in the head and
thought maybe we shouldn't mess with these people
517. Knowing that the most beautiful women in the world are Thai men
518. The Phi Phi islands
519. maproa.com
520. Being a fire dancer at Maproa on Ko Phi Phi, Thailand
521. Learning to scuba dive in the bay of Bengal
522. Scuba diving off the coast of Ko Phi Phi and seeing bottles and discarded tires
at the bottom of the ocean and knowing that I will never litter in any way ever
again
523. How aware and alive I felt and how vivid were all of the colors of the earth as I sat on the beach at Maproa and gratefully watched the sunset hours after I almost drowned. Nothing makes you appreciate living like almost dying
524. The Holy Tree suite at Maproa
525. Bali
526. thevillas.net
527. Hong Kong
528. The Shangri-la hotel in Hong Kong
529. Hong Kong Phooey
530. Working with Steve Hughes in Hong Kong
531. Steve Hughes explaining to me the mark vs. no mark story.
Steve and I were out one night in Hong Kong when we saw the Elvis of Hong
Kong. He's an old Chinese man who dresses like Elvis and walks around the
city at night singing Elvis songs. Steve told me that the old man is leaving his
mark. No matter who thinks he is a silly old man the truth of the matter is the
old man has left his mark and will not be forgotten. Steve went on to say that
the worst thing you could be in this life is a no mark. The whole time after this
Steve and I ran around Hong Kong saying to each other: "Don't be a no mark"
532. Steve Hughes saving my glasses from getting crushed when they got knocked
off my face and fell to the crowded dance floor. Being drunk with Steve Hughes
is fun because he is my hero for saving my glasses and for being the kick ass
comedian that he is
533. Leaving your mark
534. The Elvis of Hong Kong
535. John Moorehead
536. Commie pimp shit
537. Paris Hilton eatting all of my breakfast sausages
538. The street in Beijing where they sell fried scorpion on a stick
539. The Forbidden city in Beijing
540. That there is a Starbuck's in the center of the Forbidden city in Beijing.
When I saw it my first reaction was in disgust, 'Fucking corporate American
greed with it's tentacles all over the world.' My second reaction was, 'Jesus it's
freezing, I'd love a cup of coffee.'
541. That the people in the streets of Beijing are so eager to learn English they will
just come up to you and try to engage you in a conversation. "Hello, how are
you today? We are having lovely weather don't you think?"
542. Going to the Hard Rock Cafe in Shanghai because I was sick of eatting
Chinese food and getting a Southern style pork sandwich. On the wall next to
where I ate it was a karate uniform that had been owned and used by Elvis.
It was pristine white except that on the sleeves looked like what appeared to
ketchup staines. As I munched on my pork sandwich I thought that that must
have been Elvis' hamburger eatting karate uniform
543. Going to and seeing the great wall of China and running on top of it waving my
hands to the sky just in case any astronauts could see me
544. Sydney, Australia
545. The Comedy Store in Sydney, Australia
546. Marianne Esho yelling "Encore!" The night I filmed my DVD at the Comedy
Store and meeting her afterwards to discover that underneath her glasses she
was truly a super hero in disguise
547. Refering to Sydney as Findingnemoville
548. Climbing to the top of the Sydney harbor bridge
549. Going to Michael Hutchence's grave with Bruce Griffiths
550. Swimming in Double bay every day with Chris Wainhouse
551. Watching CSI with Paul Brasch
552. Doing mushrooms with Paul Brasch at the waters edge on Sydney harbor
553. Flavor of India (My favorite restuarant in Sydney and where Michael Hutchence
had his last meal)
554. Global burgers
555. Elvis pizza
556. Meat pies
557. Sea cars
558. Seeing a cricket match with Chris Leach
559. Manly surf school 099776977
560. Learning that Rice crispies are called Rice Bubbles in Australia
561. Australian money. You can't tear it and all of the bills have little windows on
them so that you can see if anyone is sneaking up on you while you count
your money
562. The Koala teddy bear I had as a boy
563. The reaction that Koalas get from eatting eucalyptus leaves
564. The Sydney zoo
565. Jogging to the Sydney opera house every day and running up the steps like
Rocky
566. The Melbourne comedy festival
567. The Medina hotel in Melbourne
568. Australian rules football
569. The Melbourne Demons
570. Killing on Rove Live
571. Honolulu, Hawaii
572. Knowing that Hawaii is the answer
573. Hawaiian music
574. Brother Iz. Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
575. Poke
576. Pineapples
577. Ukalalees
578. Hawaiian quilts
579. The mixed race Polynesian lovelies of Honolulu
580. Hot Japanese surfer girls headed to the beach with surf boards under their
arms at Waikiki beach
581. Waikiki beach
582. Midnight surfing with Melissa Mapes by moonlight at Waikiki beach
583. The life experience of Melissa Mapes
584. The life that Bobby Rabina carved out for himself on Oahu
585. The Aloha stadium swap meet
586. Listening to Hawaiian music in L.A. traffic
587. San Diego, CA
588. Magpie. My 60 year old hippy artist dreamer guru in Encinitas, CA with a
beautiful spirit and a loud laugh
589. Learning to make honeywine from my friend Magpie
590. Honeywine. Honeywine is the rocket ship to happyland
591. Seeing the padres with Magpie
592. The Padres blasting AC-DC's 'Hells bells' when they brought out their
strongest closer Trevor Hoffman
593. Baseball. There is so much gentle beauty and human drama in the game of
baseball. Baseball is like life, it is slow and boring punctuated with lively bursts
of action. Baseball makes me happy because it is O.K. to throw trash on the
ground at games and also because it is O.K. for fat old men to wear the
uniforms of little boys.
594. The Montreal Expos becoming the Washington Nationals
595. Meeting real Eskimo people
596. El Paso, Texas
597. Isela Avila
598. Drinking cold white wine with Isela Avila in a shady cantina in a hot tiny
New Mexico village
599. Malvasia Bianca
600. Mesilla, New Mexico
601. Sliced cucumber with lime juice and salt
602. The club owner's son (Evan) in El Paso telling me that I am a swarthy
European wannabe
603. The seriousness of the Mexican flag
604. Austin, Texas
605. The Austin motel
606. The Continental club in Austin, TX
607. Seeing Toni Price at the Continental club
608. Laughing it up with Howard Beecher at the Continental club
609. Seeing Jodie Adaire at Jonita's
610. Jodie Adaire telling me "The truth makes me wet"
611. The Pixies on Austin city limits
612. Tom and Tom. My 2 favorite gay friends in austin who just happen to both
happen to posess my favorite name. I refer to them as Double Tom, when we
all hang out it is a Triple Tom threat.
613. Atlanta, Georgia
614. The Atlanta Punchline
615. Dale Murphy's mole
616. Kathe Nelson's lioness ways
617. cafe 290
618. Coca-Cola
619. Chic-fil-a sandwiches
620. Amanda Douglas
621. Lexington, Kentucky
622. The empire that Jeff Gilstrap built in Lexington, KY
623.The Kentucky Wildcats
624. Ashley Judd
625. The Kentucky leaf report
I was performing in Lexington in Autumn and did a radio program where on air
they gave a Kentucky leaf report, telling the listeners in what part of the state
they would find the prettiest colors of leaves on the trees
626. Woodford Reserve
627. When the whiskey melts the ice
628. Cassius Clay throwing his Olympic gold medal into the Ohio river
629. Colonel Sanders
630. Colonel Sanders' grave (A get place to enjoy a bucket of chicken and wipe
your gresy fingers off on his tombstone after you have flicked your chicken
bones on his grave like a hillbilly) Eleven herbs and spices, that Colonel
knew what he was doing. 12 spices would have been too many and 10 not
enough.
631. Mike Nilsson
632. Louisville Sluggers
633. John Hope's amiability
634. Derrick and the Fuck Monkeys (The greatest bar band of all time)
635. Minneapolis, Minnesota
636. Acme Comedy Club in Minneapolis
637. Tom Waits' '9th and Hennepin'
"And all of the doughnuts had names that sounded like prostitutes"
638. Louis Lee
639. Colleen Kruse
640. Charles Ezelle
641. Knowing that cussing ain't Minnesota nice
642. Prince (Rogers Nelson)
643. Knowing that the reason Prince wears so much purple is because he is a
huge Vikings fan
644. The time I was invited to Paisley Park and got to see Prince Jam until 4am
645. Knowing that Prince's little ass is so cute that if I were ever on an elevator
with him I would grab both of his little ass cheeks with both of my hands and
I would not let go until we got to his floor.
646. Alan Page
647. Seattle, Washington
648. Cathy Sorbo
649. Paul Clark
650. Nova Clark
651. Seeing the Mariners with Cathy, Paul and Nova
652. Icharo Suzuki
653. Pike's Market Place
654. Red Hook beer
655. Bellingham, Washington
656. Driving from Seattle to Montana for Rich Hall's wedding
657. Rich Hall's wedding
Rich married the loveliest English girl named Karen and a lot of her friends and
family had come over from England, the theme of the wedding was Western
and you should have seen how happy these English people were to dress up
boots and cowboy hats. Everyone was as happy as children in the soft
summer air dancing and drinking at the reception under a collasal mountain
backdrop. Knowing Rich Hall has improved my life in every way.
658. Livingston, Montana
659. Missoula, Montana
660. Seeing Pearl Jam in Missoula at the University of Montana
661. Lettuce heads
662. Vancouver
663. Toronto
664. Toronto Yuk-Yuks
665. June Kuniyoshi
666. Seeing the Toronto Maple Leafs beating the Boston Bruins in a shoot out
667. Calling the Toronto Maple Leafs "The Leafies"
668. Calling Canadaian people "The leafy people"
669. Mike Wilmot
670. Montreal
671. The Montreal Comedy Festival (Just for laughs)
672. Bruce Hills
673. Kissing at the top of Mount Royale on a warm July evening
(I only ever did it once and it made me very happy, thanks Fafi!)
674. Club Soda during the Just for laughs festival
675. Montreal's annual fireworks festival
676. The Washington D.C. Improv
677. Visiting my Uncle John Miller
678. My Aunt Mary
679. Rich Leiby
680. The Washington Post
681. Sonya Medina
682. Sonya Medina giving me a tour of the White House
683. XM Radio
684. 98 Rock in Baltimore
685. Kirk McEwin laughing
686. Meeting Tony Atlas at 98 Rock
Tony Atlas is a pro-wrestler I saw when I was a boy. He would always be
getting his ass kicked then his leg would start to shake and he would start
to dance like Jomes Brown and then he would ultimately come back and win
the fight. when I met him Tony told me that Pro wrestling was a reflection of
society and now everyone wants to be a bad guy because there are no good
guys left.
687. Mickey from 98 Rock in Baltimore telling me that he got a hooker in Iceland
just so that he could talk politics with her
688. No Baltimore No Baltiless
689. justin Schleagel
690. Nicole Brooke Schwartz
691. Helium in Philadelphia
692. Ben Maher
693. The Stress Factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey
694. That Vinnie Brand is an open minded conservative
695. Serius satellite radio
696. Doing Jim Bruer's Serius radio program
697. Doing the Bob and Tom show in Indianaplois
698. The Orlando Improv
699. The Hollywood, Florida Improv
700. Going to church with Robert Hawkins and his Mom
701. The Seminole Hard Rock Casino hotel pool
They have speakers underwater so that you can still hear the music while you
are underwater. My favorite so came on and I almost drowned
702. Writer's meetings with Lisa Carrao
703. McCurdy's comedy theatre in Sarasota, Florida
704. Visiting with my Uncle Bob
705. That first sip of Zamboka
706. The Sheperds
707. Lou Angelwolf
708. Kevin Rogers
709. Bobby Taylor
710. My brother Dave's wedding 2005
711. 7-11
712. Florida housing developement names
Eagle's landing, Willow grove, Shady Pines...
I think whatever they had to bulldoze over to make it is what they named it
713. Destin, Florida
714. New Smyrna Beach, Florida
715. Janine's lake on the 4th of July
716. Going to Fleaworld in Sanford, FL and seeing redneck Asians
717. Going to thrift stores with my Mom
718. Publix supermarkets of Florida
In the fresh vegetable section every 15 minutes the sound of lightning comes over the speakers and then the mist rains down fresh water on the vegetables.
That is what is great about America, silliness with a purpose!
719. Christamas in Florida
Arriving in Orlando for Christmas and seeing out my window of the plane that
all of the ground crew workers on the tarmac were wearing shorts.
Shorts, flip-flops and frozen yogurt.
That's Christmas to me baby!
720. My Mom teaching me how to make soup
721. My Mom's paintings
722. My Mom's prayers
723. Walking around Lake Charm in Oviedo with my Mom
There isn't a problem in the world that couldn't be solved with a walk around
Lake Charm in Oviedo, Florida
724. Moving to Los Angeles and the moving van perfectly breaking down in front of
my new apartment
725. Becoming a real California weirdo
726. Cross culture polynation
727. The Hollywood Bowl
728. The L.A. farmer's market
729. Lunches with Timmie in Thaitown
730. Koreatown
731. Knowing that Koreatown isn't just a neighborhood it's failed foriegn policy
732. Hitting wiffle balls on the roof of the Brown Derby Plaza just outside my
apartment window
733. Rhodes Beach
734. Wilshire boulevard
735. The HMS Bounty
736. Roxana of Chiapas, Mexico
737. The Prince on Catalina (My favorite bar in L.A.)
738. Knowing that Bank of America in Koreatown is the friendliest bank on the
planet
739. Blueberry and pamagranite smoothies
740. Forgiving Helie
741. Mark Brazil
742. Steve Ochs
743. Anya Marina
744. Dana Gibson
745. Laila Villalobos
746. Amy Crossfield
747. Refering to L.A. as the land of perfect teeth and big titties
748. Killing at Largo
749. Seeing Greg Proops killing at Largo
750. Bumming a cigarette from Sandra Oh
751. Bucky Sinister
752. Bucky Sinister's 'Whiskey and Robots'
753. Seeing the Slackmob at Jumbo's clown room
754. Seeing Ben Harper at Ameba music in Hollywood
755. Seeing the Giants thump the Dodgers with my Dad
756. My Dad's handicapped seating scam that works everytime
757. Tom Russell's 'Hotwalker'
758. Howard Meehan
759. Rick Overton
760. Paul Provenza
761. Bob Fisher
762. The Ice House in Pasadena, California
763. The Fryer's club of Beverly Hills
764. horseback riding with Sam and Stella in the Hollywood Hills near the Hollywood
sign. Yes there is a place to rent horses at the top of the Hollywood Hills and
you can ride underneath the Hollywood sign. It is only 20 dollars an hour and I
recommend it to anyone who is visiting Los Angeles
765. The Levi's headquartes store in San Francisco
766. The Filmore auditorium in San Francisco
767. Seeing the Black Crowes at Hammerstein ballroom in New York City
March 25-27, 2005 (Good Friday to Easter)
"Kiss me baby on Easter Sunday, make my haze go away"
768. Seeing the Black Crowes at the Filmore in San Francisco
August 5-7, 2005
769. Seeing Chris and Rich Robinson play acoustic at the Cafe Du Nord 2006
770. The first ever High Times Comedy Festival
771. The benefit I did for the Sacramento Sheriff's department
772. Shawn and Jeff
773. Mill Valley, California
774. The Throckmorton theatre in Mill Valley because Charlie Chaplin played there
once in his vaudeville days
775. Lucy who owns the Throckmorton
776. Staying at the Mill Valley Inn room 18
777. Three sevens
778. Playing at the Tempe, Arizona Improv with Artie Lange
779. Jack Boulware's smart camp
780. litquake.com
781. Opening for Dave Chappelle at the San Francisco Punchline
782. Meeting Tom Waits
783. The Triton hotel in San Francisco room 308
784. Motorcycle Mike of Buffalo, New York
785. J.J. of Rochester, New York
786. How well they treat you at the Comix Cafe in Rochester, NY
787. How much Tammy Amico loves the Cincinatti Reds
788. Great Britain. Magnificent Britain. Impervious Britain
789. Post Colonial Guilt
790. Jon Keyes
791. Any time I am returning to Holland
792. Zwarte Pete
793. Alloochtons
794. Killing on Raymann is Laat
795. Marcel Haug
796. Alex Bordewijk
797. Michael Veling
798. 420cafe.com
799. Watching Ireen Wust beat Maki Tabata for the gold medal in women's speed
skating
800. E-Life
801. The Rozen theatre in Amsterdam
802. Rotterdam
803. Peter Klashorst
804. The spiritual transformation of the red light district
805. Love ins at the Amsterdam Hilton
806. Thys & Katje
807. Discovering Fenkle
808. The Albert Cuyp market
809. Burgermeisters
810. Grolsch beer
811. Grolsch's ceramic bottle top roach smokers
812. The Dutch birthday song
813. Dutch government money
814. Flying first class on KLM because my friend Klaas hooked me up
815. Dinner with Klaas and Veronica
816. Knowing that Utrecht police eat a dick up
This was some grafitti I read on the train passing through Utrecth
"Utrecth police eat a dick up"
817. Delores' red snapper sandwich's on toasted brown bread
NWE Zyds v. Burgwal
t/o 289
1012 RL Amsterdam
818. Cyrille Carreon
819. Vian Ramadan
820. Gerke Nauta
821. Jason Tagar
822. Monica Galer
823. Meeting Njeri Mbugua in Oklahoma City
824. Tom Njeri
825. Tom and Jerry
826. New Year's Eve with Njeri in Philadelphia
827. Blurple
828. Kenyan goat stew
829. December 12th. Kenyan Independence day
830. Dreaming of Mombasa
831. The Gerald Ford presidential library in Grand Rapids, Michigan
832. First Mama Betty Ford
833. Shelly in Glasgow, Scotland telling me that "My Dad is my bible."
834. Theatre shows for intelligent people
835. Curtain calls
836. Friesien names
837. Neils van Brakel
838. Universal themes of love, loss and loneliness
839. Breaking through the clouds on an airplane and breaking free into the dazzling
sunshine
840. Belfast
841. Georgie Best
842. Dublin, Ireland
843. Brian Cronly
844. Peter O'Mahoney
845. The Laughter Lounge in Dublin, Ireland
846. Excercising my demons
847. Uvulas
848. Blunderbus'
849. Mercy's sweet moan
850. Traveling merrymakers
851. Doers
852. Holding hands at the movies
853. Eatting Ringo first
854. Tommunism
855. Pleasure seekers
856. Honeywine slurpees
857. Truthful sensitive intelligence
858. Magnetic soul alliances
859. Radiating your divinity
860. The sacred feminine
861. The sacred fool
862. Knowing that I am eternal
863. Knowing that the yo-yo is the new guitar
864. Knowing that cold blooded animals do not have dreams
865. Knowing that God looks out for comedians and retards
866. Knowing that life is about the protection of innocence
867. Knowing that Jesus, Elvis, Ghandi, Muhammed Ali and Martin Luther King Jr.
were all Capricorns
868. Blue Capricorns
869. The new lost city ramblers
870. The Mount Kenya safari club
871. Big Bone Lick, Kentucky
872. christianroth.com
873. The cartoon riots
874. Knowing that Catholic guilt intensifies the pleasure
875. Knowing that Jesus was probably a down right rib tickle
876. Rabbit fur underwear
877. Rabbit fur lined gloves
878. Zoetermeer- Sweet leg city
879. Loving Adam Curry for the pimp ass hustler that he is
880. Knowing that the women are praying for a better crop than we had last year
881. Knowing that love sees no color
882. Knowing that love is a poor man's food
883. The blurring qualities of drink
884. Shitting in all four corners
885. The word curfuffle
886. Knobgobblers
887. Manpleasers
888. Cock washers
889. Subcommandantes
890. My Mom's black bean and pork soup
891. My Mom's Banana bread
892. Brazil's sugar cane ethynol
893. Morning becomes eclectic on KCRW in L.A.
894. Steve Jones on 103.1 FM everyday from 12pm-3pm in L.A.
895. Steve Jones for Huntington Beach Toyota
896. Steve Jones interviewing Ray Winston
897. True human beings
898. Apricot scrubs
898. Feeling ultraviolet
899. Spitting hot fire
900. Fozzy bear
901. The Muppets
902. Knowing that at Jim Henson's funeral he requested that everyone could wear
whatever color they wanted as long as that color was not black
903. New Joke Playland
904. Ukiah, California
905. Grant Sheperd's paradise
906. My Mendocino getaway
907. The Ukiah brewing company
908. The Freys
909. Quintanaroo, Mexico
910. Being in Mexico with 98 Rock from Baltimore
911. Being on a bed swing with Nicole Schwartz in Mexico with a Caribbean breeze
912. Going to a Mexican Wal-mart with Stash
913. That Mexican television is all midgets and cleavage
914. Knowing that the rising tide lifts all ships
915.Knowing that Johnny Steele thinks that keeping a happiness list is a stupid
idea
916. Building monuments
917. Mega structures
918. The Diego Rivera museum in Guanajuato, Mexico
919. The king of Jordan's wife
920. Black beard the pirate
921. Being drunk with beauty
922. Slugging it out in Palookaville
923. Finding money in old pockets
924. My empire of 20 dollar purchases
925. Being among the buttercups
926. Low riders of Southern California
927. Fringedwellers
928. The story of my baldness
929. Not being dead
930. Pele
931. Diego Maradonna
932. Fish tacos
933. Much kissing in automobiles
934. Charles Bukowski waiting for something literary or symphonic to happen
935. My Charles Bukowski autographed book of poems
936. My autographed photo of Ted Williams
937. My autographed concert poster of Johnny Cash from when I saw him and met
him in 1994
938. Robin Hood entering a tavern and yelling "Mutton and ale for all my men!"
939. Errol Flynn's autobiography "My wicked, wicked ways"
940. Errol Flynn film festivals on TMC
941. Making peace with your dark side
942. Treacle cutters
943. The word twaddle
944. Leaving on a jetplane
945. Eatting KFC on crowded oversold airplanes
946. Knowing that there are no rules for the creative act
947. Sitting Bull climbing a hilltop to recieve a vision
948. Dave Mathews making it cool to be a pudgy white guy
949. Promising local bands
950. Opening for the Everly Brothers
951. Opening for Ray Charles
952. Opening for James Brown
953. Knowing that racism is sexual jealousy
954. Knowing that racism is a deal breaker
955. Knowing that God is back to fake cosmic orgasms
956. Knowing that women are the way forward
957. Understanding infinity
958. The importance of understanding your parents
959.Seeing an ex-girlfriend with her new child and being happy that it isn't mine
960. Paul Westerberg
961. Meeting Hedberg's parents
962. Keeping the tears off of my Mother's cheeks
963. Tom Waits pulling on troubles braids
964. Pablo Neruda
965. India's wealth of knowledge
966. California hippy names
967. Keeping my juices to myself
968. Reverse stalking
969. George Jones
970. Sacramento's skateboarders for Jesus steelroots.com
971. Knowing that all the bitches loved Jesus
972. Break out moments in the Caribbean
What happens to every British rock band after the get some success and go
to the Caribbean, it's magic! For the best example of this listen to the Clash
double album 'Sandanista'.
973. The guitar restraint that Keith Richards shows on 'Sympathy for the devil'
974. Uncut the British rock magazine and their monthly sampler CD of that months
best music
975. Johnny Depp
976. Pirates of the Caribbean (The movie and the Disney theme park ride)
977. What's eatting Gilbert Grape
978. True Romance
979. The Babe Ruth birthplace and museum
980. The Isotopes
981. Family guy
982. The smartness of Border Collies
983. Muriel's Wedding
984. Wedding Crashers
985. The Evel Knievel doll I had as a boy
986. The Elvis Presley doll I have as an adult
987. My Vinyl record collection
988. Rock Star INXS
989. J.D. Fortune's pants
990. April 18th National wear your pajamas to work day
991. Tennessee tuxedos
992. Rubber chickens
993. Yosemite Sam
994. Foghorn Leghorn
995. Zantepe (Socrates' wife)
996. Super hero rings
997. Dancing with no regard to rhythm
998. The homeless guy on Kenmore street in L.A. who told me after I gave him
money "May you find all the peace you need"
999. Glow in the dark under arm deoderant
1000. The Hindu concept of reincarnation and how you should look at the world in
that at one time every on the earth was once your Mother
1001. The article I read about a study that found that men who kiss their wives goodbye before going to work live longer, get into fewer accidents and have a higher income than men who don't
1002. That a recent study by auto insurance companies said that the records reflect that Gemini's are the worst drivers and that Capricorns are the best drivers
1003. The Henry Ford museum in Detroit
1004. The Clyde Barrow of Bonnie and Clyde's letter to Henry Ford in 1934 that is
on display at the Henry Ford museum in Detroit
"Mr. Ford- For sustained speed and freedom from trouble when we steal a car
we only steal a Ford. The 1934 V8 is a dandy. I didn't think it would hurt
nothing to tell you what a dandy car you make."
1005. Taxi cab driver genius'
1006. The beautiful soul of the Iranian taxi driver I had in Toronto who told me
"People missuse religion because they do not understand nature.
Everyone wants to make money so they brain wash the people.
We are all one. There is no other truth."
1007. My darling Beertje van Beers giving me 'Open to desire' by Mark Epstein
1008. 'Open to desire' by Mark Epstein
1009. Finding an old pack of Zig Zag rolling paper with these words written in my
own handwriting under the flap "The gift of pure knowledge is the future"
1010. Knowing that you should run zig zag if you are ever being chased by a crocodile because they can only run fast in a straight line
1011. Royal Enfield motorcycles
1012. Romanian love letters
1013. Triple word scores in Scrabble
1014. K-mart Brandos
1015. Woody Woodpecker
1016. Mighty Mouse
1017. Miles Davis
1018. John Dillinger
1018. Pretty Boy Floyd
1019. Machine Gun Kelly
1020. Tom Rhodes of Dallas, Texas
1021. Tom Rhodes of Raliegh, North Carolina
1022. tomrhodes.net
1023. Stand-up records and Dan Schlissel
1024. The Madonna Inn of San Louis Obispo, California
1025. Hotel stationary
1026. In & Out burger of Southern California
1027. India spiced Chai
1028. The Columbia restuarant of Ybor City, Florida
1029. The Columbia restuarant spanish cookbook
1030. Soup recipes
1031. My Jimi Hendrix grave rubbing that I have framed and hanging in my kitchen
1032. My low carb last super joke
1033. My camera phone joke
1034. My panther prowl
1035. Free drinks
1036. Apple juice
1037. Apple juice and vodka
1038. Elaine Stritch
1039. Jill Acuna's amatuer photography
1040. Tamara Mooney
1041. The Smurfs
1042. Chinatown in San Francisco
1043. Seeing a hat trick at a hockey game and wondering if the player gets to keep
all the hats
1044. The Yankees and Red Sox rivalry
1045. The Dodgers and Giants Rivalry
1046. Johnny Damon
1047. The Yankee code of having short hair and no facial hair
1048. Jimmy Childers and the funniest thing I ever saw at the Oviedo little league
1049. The World baseball classic
1050. Jimmy Nuetron
1051. Having one foot in irony and one foot in pathos
1052. Mr. Smartie pants getting his dick slapped
1053. Pierre Woodman's Private casting videos
"O.K., now can you show me poopoo?"
1054. Sunset on Galway Bay in Ireland
1055. Galway, Ireland
1056. Roisin Dubh, Galway, Ireland
1057. Quay street, Galway, Ireland
1058. McDonagh's Fish Shop on Quay Street in Galway
I go to this place religiously every time I am in Galway. They serve fish that is
better than cocaine. You will find yourself rubbing what fish residue you have
left on your gums once you have cleaned your plate.
1059. Paddy McPoland
1060. Leaving tickets at the door for Bono every night whenever I perform in Dublin
just in case he might show up
1061. Van Morrison's 'No Guru, No Teacher, No Method'
1062. Tir Na Nog
1063. Harp Lager
1064. Thin Lizzy
1065. The Ha' penny bridge in Dublin, Ireland
1066. Authentic Irish food served by authentic Polish people
1067. Seeing Mike McSavage perform on the streets of Dublin
1068. dublinpubcrawl.com (One of my favorite things to do in Dublin)
1069. jfp.ie Johnnie Foxe's pub (One of my favorite things to do in Dublin)
1070. Belgian frites with mayonnaise (Dutchie style)
1071. Going Dutch
1072. The Rembrandt house in Amsterdam
1073. Actually meeting a guy named Rembrandt the last time I was in Amsterdam
1074. Rembrandt's 'Bathsheba being washed for David'
1075. The 1646 inventory of Rembrandt's house
1076. Lekker Zonnetje - Tasty little sun
1077. Ziels Gelukkig - Soul happy
1078. He laas pindakaas - It's a pity, peanut butter
1079. Ajax - The Amsterdam football club
1080. Ajax - Telamonian Ajax, a Greek hero in the Trojan war who rescued the body of Achilles and killed himself out of jealousy when Odyssus was awarded the armour of Achilles
1081. Knowing that if I was the President of the United States I would honor the
Patriotic gay couples who moved into bad neighborhoods and turned them
into profitable real estate markets
1082. The dog shit motorcycles of Paris
In Paris I saw the coolest city vehicle, a motorcycle with a huge vacum attatchment on the back and the the driver sucked up dogshit off the sidewalk
with a long suction tube. What a job. Driving around Paris on a motorcycle sucking dog shit into a big pouch. I wonder if that guy loves his job and feels like a superhero "I am sorry my darling I cannot make love to you one more time, there is dog shit out there waiting for my rescue."
1083. Jim Morrison's Boy scout uniform
1084. Twisted tales of sex, drugs and Hollywood greed
1085. Pulling your cock out with authority
1086. Knowing that Elvis was never circumcised
1087. Friends with benefits
1088. Canadian true patriot love
1089. Sweet pink pork meat
1090. Blind Tiger - Shreveport, Louisiana
1091. Noble Savage - Shreveport, Louisiana
1092. Rachel's Funnybone - Shreveport, Louisiana
1093. Creole and Cajun style of cooking
1094. Alacrity
1095. Altruism
1096. Transcendental filth
1097. The land of E plurabis unam
1098. How quickly in the world everyone needed a plasma screen TV
1099. That the answer to everything is always write more jokes
1100. Standing flat footed in America and telling it like it is
1101. Learning to breathe again
1102. 25 cent wing night
1103. Kentucky fried HA HA
1104. LSU cheerleaders
1105. Bona fide hustlers
1106. kinkyfriedman.com
1107. Born again strippers
1108. Avoiding hard labor
1109. Big dick rock & roll
1110. My 20 year high school reunion
Yes I'm that old. I thought I would hate my HS reunion but I loved it.
I wish they would have on every year. I have never felt better about myself.
I felt like Brad Pitt. I have held up pretty good compared to some of the guys I thought were the biggest studs at our school growing up. Apparently there comes a timew when a lot of people just say "Fuck it, I'm eatting! Give me everything I can shovel into my mouth. Actually there were loads of beautiful people there because I went to school with many beautiful poeople. All jokes aside I grew up with fun good hearted people and I love them all. I was very happy to see one of my sweetest high school loves was the best looking girl there. Even with a few kids and running her own business she was still smoking and had she not been married I would have tried to take her back to the golf course where we used to roll around kissing as teens
1111. The essence of Ohm
The eternal vibration of everything
1112. My beautiful Hindu tailors who are also brothers Rocky and Philip for being
able to hand stitch the Hindu symbol of Ohm on the backs of my suits since
I was inspired by George Harrison's suit he wore for the people of
Bangaladesh concert in 1972
1113. George Harrison
He is definately the Beatle I would eat last if I were stranded in the Andes
after a plane crash and I had to eat all of the Beatles (In their prime) to survive
1114. Healing and teaching peace
1115. The ancient mystic trinity
1116. Miracles reflecting the laws of eternity not of time
1117. Bright miracles shining
1118. Knowing that entertainment is America's greatest export to the world
1119. Knowing that every flower was once a weed
1120. Getting to the heart of the center
1121. Knowing that the internet has only widened my confusion
1122. Knowing that the art we make is all that we leave behind
1123. Knowing that women are the highest form of art on the planet
1124. Knowing that all you need is deep within you waiting to reveal itself
1125. Never tiring of California
1126. Cheerful treason
1127. Petting your friends like animals.
Why can't you pet your friends like you do animals?
I have many friends and sometimes it is a very long time until I see them and
when I do I just want to pet them like animals
1128. The doe's scent
1129. Cantalopes
1130. Fish and steamed vegetables
1131. Calling people handsome
1132. Calling people cowboy
1133. Calling people kingpin
1134. The secret life of vampires
1135. Practising sperm management
1136. Lower intestinal fortitude
1137. Hotpockets!
1138. Cultivating your garden *The Voltaire way
1139. Voltaire's 'Candide'
1140. Finally giving up on Gary Smithson and realising you can't turn an edit boy
into a filmmaker
1141. Twan van de Nuiewehuisen working for the Eurovision song contest
1142. Phoning a previous life
Knowing that if I was ever on "Who wants to be a millionaire?" in India and I
didn't know the answer to a question I wouldn't ask if I could phone a friend,
I would ask if I could phone a previous life.
1143. Killing on Raymann is Laat
1144. Being crazy with World cup fever
1145. El Salvador invading Honduras over a World Cup match outcome
1146. Argentinian footwork
1147. Mate de Coca
1148. The Tango
1149. Knowing that all I really need is a good woman, a guitar and a fishing pole
1150. The guidebook to Argentina